It's me...and I have alot to say :)

Holy Crap is right! I have completely neglected this task - which really is such a great outlet for me....so it is such a delight to get back here and just write. I have so much to be thankful for at this point in my life. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people that add so much to my life and that of my children. I pray for these people - pray that life is good to them...pray that they want for nothing and have love and happiness in their hearts.

1. My mom - who, although can drive me crazy, and not just "drive" but HOV lane on the freeway kind of crazy, has been there through it all. She is my travel agent for guilt trips. Although she doesn't always say things with the utmost tact, she means well.

2. Emmeline - who (see HOV comment above) drives me to drink, but is my foundation somedays. I pray that life will turn out well for her. With all her shananigans, I am still reminded that she needs me...sometimes more than she realizes and more than her 2 year old sibling needs me (even though she will never admit that). Her heart is so big and she has enough love for a universe, but she lacks the trust that she needs to see in herself. I pray for that for her.

3. Ethan - who is my shining star - my ray of light. For so many years, the thought of having a son eluded me. He is a sweet spirit with a playful personality and every time I look at him, I see the wonderful future he has ahead of him. His smile, those eyes - brings joy to my heart.

4. Pam and Cindy - you are...how to do I cover it?? Thank you for being the Nene and Nana that you guys are...for Ethan and Em. Thank you for checking on us and making sure that I get the breaks that I need sometimes. Pam - thanks for always listening to me cry and gripe about your son...when really you should not, but you do... and offering me the advice that I need to hear.

5. Jeanette - dude?? Where do I start? In highschool we were friends and this recent connection again - it reassures me that there are true friends out there. Thanks!

6. Jennifer - through the ups and downs...through the tears and the laughter - you are the sister that I never had. Thank you my dear friend.

7. BDS - this could take forever...in such a short time. Simply thank you for making me smile, laugh, cry and most of THINK... about who I am, who I can be, what I have to offer and how special I am. You always encourage me onto the next level of success. You are truly that life long friend that I know will always be a part of my life in one form or another... you are a wonderul person (and silent investor) that has made this time in my life less confusing, less stressful, more fun and more fulfilling. I will never be able to repay your kindness.

8. My girlfriends - the ones I see often and the ones that I do not - their text messages or FB comments, their quick emails, their short phone calls... I am thankful for you all...Lisa, Felicia, Rhonda, Stacey, Fran, Heather, Tara, Michelle

9. Jason & Tara - we have been friends since college and when I call, you both have the most wonderful advice...clear and concise. Thank you for always being honest with me and giving me the pros and cons when I need to hear them, even though I may not want to. I am so happy that you both have wonderful people in your lives to share your love with... you deserve all the happiness that life has to offer.

10. Clarissa - thank you for the opportunity with Pure Romance. I have come to realize that I can do this and I will succeed. You are a great example and wonderful team leader!!

So, I will have to get back here before too long...with the holidays kicking in it is going to be more difficult, but I have to make time...and will. Love and happiness to everyone...hugs!!

Rambling - that's what I do.

OK...so I am going to ramble about a few things here...stick around if you want to....I make no apologies for anything I say....lol.



I have been pushed...literally...physically and emotionally to my brink. I have never let someone get the best of me like he has....and I won't ever again. I am very reluctant to open my heart...to be honest, I don't know if there is a heart left.

I would like to say that I am completely positive about my life at this point. I have many wonderful friends who with their support and love have helped me through the past few months of hurt and pain. My girlfriends have been the same "rock solid" group that I have always imagined they would be. They have been there when I downed a bottle of cheap wine, they have been there to listen to me cry into the phone - no words, just crying...listening to someone cry for an hour on the phone is no easy task, mind you. These girls - I am so blessed.

However, my guy friends have made me realize something too....maybe I am selling myself a little short. I was told recently to "raise the bar". I took that with a grain of salt at first - sure whatever - I thought....he has no clue what he is talking about. I have now come to realize that - you know what - I need to do just that. I need to do that with every aspect of my life. Thanks - you know who you are.

Moving on - Summer is upon us. Memorial Day weekend flew by in a flash. We spent it with the Reeds in Alvin. Emmeline had a blast hanging out with Bryce and Ethan was happy just to be in the water. My babies are water babies for sure....anytime they can be in it, near it, they are just the happiest children on the planet. I am hoping that summer will give me more opportunity to focus on the children. I am going to plan a weekend away for just us....no one else, no phone, no email...just us.

It will be a journey for us this summer....Emmeline needs to take drivers ed (scary), we will move once the apartment is ready, Ethan will be going off to daycare - no family...real daycare. This terrifies me...but he is such a trooper and I know he will LOVE being around kids his age. I can't wait to see the world open up for him. The journey this summer will include a journey of healing for me. I have alot to work on...my home life, my career, ME! I want to be a better mother, better friend, better person. I need to strengthen my faith in the Lord and I need to work on having more faith in myself.

My dear Adrienne is moving to Dallas. I love her and my niece Jorja. I will miss them dearly but am glad that she has found Brian to love her, to love Jorja and to love the new baby to come. Adrienne - conquer the world sister! There is SO much beyond the horizon, so many life experiences, so many good times to come. So - Brian- watch over my precious babies. Hold them close to your heart - love them with no boundaries! I love you all - AJ too - and will be in Dallas to see you guys!!

My job is crazy busy and I just cannot seem to focus these days. My annual review is coming up and I am scared to see what it will bring. I have worked my butt off in the past year...I know that. Now I need someone around here to see it...to acknowledge it. I have learned alot about this industry, but I need to learn more. I know that....we shall see what happens.

A girl in my office is having plastic surgery...soon...and I am jealous. Yes, I plan on having mine done at the end of the year BUT as days pass I continue to think about the implications the surgery will bring. Am I healthy enough to do this? With the whole blood clot fiasco - I just don't know. The doctor said I will be fine, but I am closer to adopting the "love it or leave it" policy. Being alone - who would take care of my kids if something happened to me?? Vain - a little - I will admit that, but forsaking my health is a whole other thing for me.

The moving is done - I am so proud of my kids...and that refers to Emmeline and Jake (her boyfriend). They worked tirelessly (albeit a little teenage girl whining courtesy of Miss Em - poor girl, right?) and we got it knocked out. Jake says packing a storage unit is like playing tetris - he is right. He got everything in. I suck at tetris therefore...thank God for Jake!!



Moving on - again.....I have seriously decided that it is time to get moving with this diet. I am about 45lbs. from my goal...I have placed the blame on the stressors going on in my life, on the timing being off, on everything except the real place it should be - on me. I am just plain lazy...good grief. So I am on a mission - from this point out I have go to get on the ball, back to eating well and working out. Let me just inform you that I HATE to go to the gym. First of all, I am ADHD and get so side tracked from people watching...I could sit there all day and watch people at the gym...they fascinate me. I am not ashamed to admit this....first step to recovery, right? What doesn't fascinate me is the equipment...or the trainers who think that they can whip me through this battleground they call a gym. I need to remember that just 3 short years ago I was doing a step class 5 days a week...and loving it. Soooo needless to say, it is very possible for me to get back to this level. I just need to make the decision that that is what I am going to do.

OK - enough. I am telling myself to shut up for now....but I will be back....lol!

Looking

It seems that whenever I turn around these days, I am looking for something...in search of this, in search of that. I have been told alot lately to relax and enjoy. It may just be time for that.

I cannot believe that I have not taken the time to write about my life. It has been busy the past couple of months. Rodeo season kept me busy and I spent alot of time hanging out with friends this year. This year was really the first time that I enjoyed the benfits of being a volunteer. I met alot of new people and really opened the door to having a social life with people my age. I must say, it was refreshing after so many years. I made Assistant Captain for the next rodeo season and I am really looking forward to taking on the challenges of that role and all that it will entail.

We celebrated Ethan's 2nd birthday. I fall more and more in love with him everyday. He is such a joy and blessing to me. I love quiet moments to sit and just watch him play. His vocabulary is expanding by leaps and bounds...I walked in a couple of weeks ago and he said, "what's up mom?" Shut up, right? I about fell over. I miss him so much during the day when I am at work, but when I come home, his sweet, sweet face brings me back...to a place where my heart is filled with happiness and joy...all given to me by my son.

Emmeline is doing ok in school, but I wish I could say that she had the love for school that I did (nerd alert). She hates it...everything about it...not one thing is enjoyable...except for maybe lunch. I am at such a loss as what to say to her about school. She took her own little mini vacation last week...missed 2 days of school - to relax, catch up on sleep, I guess...all of this unbeknownst to her mother. So what do I do? Scream at her? The child has the ability to tune out people better than anyone I know, myself included. Ground her? Nothing phases the girl....NOTHING. God knows I love her...more that I could describe, more than she will ever know, but if I could send her off to a convent, I would in a heartbeat.

We are moving in the next couple of weeks and where we are going is a mystery to me. I think we are going to stay with my mom for a month or so while Em finishes up school. I feel that Kingwood is the best place for Em, but I have so much holding me here in Sugar Land - my job, my friends, my life - there are so many reasons to stay - and so many reasons to go. It is time to re-evaluate my life and decide where my heart will lead me - or better, where I will allow it to lead me.

My heart is in a stage of mending and healing. I have so much hope for the future, but am so worried about the challenges that lay ahead for me. I saw a sign the other day that said "A life without love is no life at all"....so what happens to the person that doesn't believe in love? What happens when I will not allow my heart to be broken? What happens when those walls I put up are invincible? These questions plague me - in my moments alone, in the moments when I see another couple and their happiness is blatantly obvious, in the moments when I think "Hmmm, he is interesting".

That fear is overwhelming for me - the thought of having no one to fall back on, having no one to catch me, having no one to see that I am - above all - a girl...with a heart that is worn on my sleeve, a soul that needs to touched, a hand that needs to be held.

So, I will stop today - stop looking for whatever it may be that I think I am looking for...it will find me - in time. I will stop looking for this and that...whatever this and that may be. It is what it is and it will come in time.

I am so tired...

I know there are so many women that handle more than myself, more women that have more responsibilities, more children, more, more, more. BUT - I am tired. I find myself with very little patience these days.

The girl at Taco Bell pissed me off so badly, I about jumped through my car window and choked her. How many times do you need to say "easy on the sour cream and no cheese"??? This is not difficult. Let me rephrase that...this is not difficult for any human being with a shred of common sense!?!

The lady at Dillards asked me "Are you ready to check out?"....NO, I am going to stand here with the clothes that I picked out and wait for them to go OUT of style - then I will pay for them. Yes - I am ready. I have been ready for 20 minutes while you walked around your small department asking 2 other women if they needed a dressing room, in which they tried on 30 articles of clothing and purchase NONE!

Off to the lingerie department where the saleswoman made me feel like I was Dolly Parton or something. Yes - I have lived with big boobs my whole life. I have never been a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Never have, never will. They are a part of me and I have come to accept that they are what they are - big boobs. She asked my size, I told her...the look! Her tone!! Let me say this - I am, by far not the largest girl I know so I was a little taken back when she made her comment. I know what Victoria's Secret is....she does not carry bras in my size...that is her secret...bitch.

Back to the salesgirl - Oh wow! she says. That must be tiring. She knows nothing about tact. I need not be reminded that my twins are large and slightly impending, but geez - did she need to sound like I was needing a bra made by the Army Corp of Engineers?? So needless to say after being harassed and having my self esteem kicked into the ground, I left...braless - figurtively speaking.

Anyway, just venting....I think I am off to take a nap....maybe that will help, but not expecting much.

Hhhmmmm...

It's funny how people think that money gives you class. It may give some people nice cars, nice homes and nice clothes, but money - by far - does not give you class. You can put a nice, shiny ribbon on crap, but in the end, it is still crap.

A friend told me recently that her boss donated large sums of money to many different organizations - specifically children's charities. However, he was out most nights of the week drinking while his kids were at home without him. He presented himself to be this outstanding man of honor, yet was carrying on various extramarital affairs.

I have noticed that a lot of people change when money comes into their lives - and it doesn't even have to be an overwhelming amount of money. It's funny how we change who we are, how we act and who our friends are because our financial status changes. A true friend is not someone who will ride in the limo with you, but will ride on the bus when the limo breaks down.

Just an observation....