Looking

It seems that whenever I turn around these days, I am looking for something...in search of this, in search of that. I have been told alot lately to relax and enjoy. It may just be time for that.

I cannot believe that I have not taken the time to write about my life. It has been busy the past couple of months. Rodeo season kept me busy and I spent alot of time hanging out with friends this year. This year was really the first time that I enjoyed the benfits of being a volunteer. I met alot of new people and really opened the door to having a social life with people my age. I must say, it was refreshing after so many years. I made Assistant Captain for the next rodeo season and I am really looking forward to taking on the challenges of that role and all that it will entail.

We celebrated Ethan's 2nd birthday. I fall more and more in love with him everyday. He is such a joy and blessing to me. I love quiet moments to sit and just watch him play. His vocabulary is expanding by leaps and bounds...I walked in a couple of weeks ago and he said, "what's up mom?" Shut up, right? I about fell over. I miss him so much during the day when I am at work, but when I come home, his sweet, sweet face brings me back...to a place where my heart is filled with happiness and joy...all given to me by my son.

Emmeline is doing ok in school, but I wish I could say that she had the love for school that I did (nerd alert). She hates it...everything about it...not one thing is enjoyable...except for maybe lunch. I am at such a loss as what to say to her about school. She took her own little mini vacation last week...missed 2 days of school - to relax, catch up on sleep, I guess...all of this unbeknownst to her mother. So what do I do? Scream at her? The child has the ability to tune out people better than anyone I know, myself included. Ground her? Nothing phases the girl....NOTHING. God knows I love her...more that I could describe, more than she will ever know, but if I could send her off to a convent, I would in a heartbeat.

We are moving in the next couple of weeks and where we are going is a mystery to me. I think we are going to stay with my mom for a month or so while Em finishes up school. I feel that Kingwood is the best place for Em, but I have so much holding me here in Sugar Land - my job, my friends, my life - there are so many reasons to stay - and so many reasons to go. It is time to re-evaluate my life and decide where my heart will lead me - or better, where I will allow it to lead me.

My heart is in a stage of mending and healing. I have so much hope for the future, but am so worried about the challenges that lay ahead for me. I saw a sign the other day that said "A life without love is no life at all"....so what happens to the person that doesn't believe in love? What happens when I will not allow my heart to be broken? What happens when those walls I put up are invincible? These questions plague me - in my moments alone, in the moments when I see another couple and their happiness is blatantly obvious, in the moments when I think "Hmmm, he is interesting".

That fear is overwhelming for me - the thought of having no one to fall back on, having no one to catch me, having no one to see that I am - above all - a girl...with a heart that is worn on my sleeve, a soul that needs to touched, a hand that needs to be held.

So, I will stop today - stop looking for whatever it may be that I think I am looking for...it will find me - in time. I will stop looking for this and that...whatever this and that may be. It is what it is and it will come in time.