Looking

It seems that whenever I turn around these days, I am looking for something...in search of this, in search of that. I have been told alot lately to relax and enjoy. It may just be time for that.

I cannot believe that I have not taken the time to write about my life. It has been busy the past couple of months. Rodeo season kept me busy and I spent alot of time hanging out with friends this year. This year was really the first time that I enjoyed the benfits of being a volunteer. I met alot of new people and really opened the door to having a social life with people my age. I must say, it was refreshing after so many years. I made Assistant Captain for the next rodeo season and I am really looking forward to taking on the challenges of that role and all that it will entail.

We celebrated Ethan's 2nd birthday. I fall more and more in love with him everyday. He is such a joy and blessing to me. I love quiet moments to sit and just watch him play. His vocabulary is expanding by leaps and bounds...I walked in a couple of weeks ago and he said, "what's up mom?" Shut up, right? I about fell over. I miss him so much during the day when I am at work, but when I come home, his sweet, sweet face brings me back...to a place where my heart is filled with happiness and joy...all given to me by my son.

Emmeline is doing ok in school, but I wish I could say that she had the love for school that I did (nerd alert). She hates it...everything about it...not one thing is enjoyable...except for maybe lunch. I am at such a loss as what to say to her about school. She took her own little mini vacation last week...missed 2 days of school - to relax, catch up on sleep, I guess...all of this unbeknownst to her mother. So what do I do? Scream at her? The child has the ability to tune out people better than anyone I know, myself included. Ground her? Nothing phases the girl....NOTHING. God knows I love her...more that I could describe, more than she will ever know, but if I could send her off to a convent, I would in a heartbeat.

We are moving in the next couple of weeks and where we are going is a mystery to me. I think we are going to stay with my mom for a month or so while Em finishes up school. I feel that Kingwood is the best place for Em, but I have so much holding me here in Sugar Land - my job, my friends, my life - there are so many reasons to stay - and so many reasons to go. It is time to re-evaluate my life and decide where my heart will lead me - or better, where I will allow it to lead me.

My heart is in a stage of mending and healing. I have so much hope for the future, but am so worried about the challenges that lay ahead for me. I saw a sign the other day that said "A life without love is no life at all"....so what happens to the person that doesn't believe in love? What happens when I will not allow my heart to be broken? What happens when those walls I put up are invincible? These questions plague me - in my moments alone, in the moments when I see another couple and their happiness is blatantly obvious, in the moments when I think "Hmmm, he is interesting".

That fear is overwhelming for me - the thought of having no one to fall back on, having no one to catch me, having no one to see that I am - above all - a girl...with a heart that is worn on my sleeve, a soul that needs to touched, a hand that needs to be held.

So, I will stop today - stop looking for whatever it may be that I think I am looking for...it will find me - in time. I will stop looking for this and that...whatever this and that may be. It is what it is and it will come in time.

I am so tired...

I know there are so many women that handle more than myself, more women that have more responsibilities, more children, more, more, more. BUT - I am tired. I find myself with very little patience these days.

The girl at Taco Bell pissed me off so badly, I about jumped through my car window and choked her. How many times do you need to say "easy on the sour cream and no cheese"??? This is not difficult. Let me rephrase that...this is not difficult for any human being with a shred of common sense!?!

The lady at Dillards asked me "Are you ready to check out?"....NO, I am going to stand here with the clothes that I picked out and wait for them to go OUT of style - then I will pay for them. Yes - I am ready. I have been ready for 20 minutes while you walked around your small department asking 2 other women if they needed a dressing room, in which they tried on 30 articles of clothing and purchase NONE!

Off to the lingerie department where the saleswoman made me feel like I was Dolly Parton or something. Yes - I have lived with big boobs my whole life. I have never been a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Never have, never will. They are a part of me and I have come to accept that they are what they are - big boobs. She asked my size, I told her...the look! Her tone!! Let me say this - I am, by far not the largest girl I know so I was a little taken back when she made her comment. I know what Victoria's Secret is....she does not carry bras in my size...that is her secret...bitch.

Back to the salesgirl - Oh wow! she says. That must be tiring. She knows nothing about tact. I need not be reminded that my twins are large and slightly impending, but geez - did she need to sound like I was needing a bra made by the Army Corp of Engineers?? So needless to say after being harassed and having my self esteem kicked into the ground, I left...braless - figurtively speaking.

Anyway, just venting....I think I am off to take a nap....maybe that will help, but not expecting much.

Hhhmmmm...

It's funny how people think that money gives you class. It may give some people nice cars, nice homes and nice clothes, but money - by far - does not give you class. You can put a nice, shiny ribbon on crap, but in the end, it is still crap.

A friend told me recently that her boss donated large sums of money to many different organizations - specifically children's charities. However, he was out most nights of the week drinking while his kids were at home without him. He presented himself to be this outstanding man of honor, yet was carrying on various extramarital affairs.

I have noticed that a lot of people change when money comes into their lives - and it doesn't even have to be an overwhelming amount of money. It's funny how we change who we are, how we act and who our friends are because our financial status changes. A true friend is not someone who will ride in the limo with you, but will ride on the bus when the limo breaks down.

Just an observation....

Where have I been?

I cannot believe that I have let this get away from me. When I started blogging, I promised myself that I would stay on top of this...yeah, right! There is so much to update so we will move quickly. Try to keep up.

Nick is heading to Wyoming for his next project - Casper to be exact. He is expected to leave next week. I miss him so much when he is on the road. He has been home for a couple of months and it was nice to spend time with each other. He has been able to spend quality time with Ethan and that is the best part of it all. He celebrated his birthday at Vegas Grill down on Webster. It was nice to have friends and family together. This is how the evening started.

I would like to say that I had more pictures, but since I spent the early morning hours trying to prevent Nick from drowning in the bathtub that he passed out in and cleaning my new car out after he threw up in it - YES - you read that right, I can say that he is lucky that we have any photo memories of the evening.

Emmeline is busy with school and rugby. SHE ROCKS AT RUGBY! My daughter is a beast on the field! When they played St. Pius she was proud to show off her battle scars - a cut above her eye and an injured ankle. She is fabulous!

Ethan is....Ethan. He is a rubber stamp of Nick...from the super long eyelashes to "the look" he gives you when you try to discipline him for touching the remote (or the dvr or my chi or whatever the 2 year old finds amusing at the moment) for the one millionth time. However, he now thinks that when you catch him with the remote, he can run to you and say "tank you" before you can scold him. I am so not falling for the lashes and charming smile - that's what got me Ethan in the first place. Sucker!

As for me, I am busy with work and home. Rodeo is about to kick off and that puts me into a whole new level of busy - but one that I thoroughly enjoy. We attended my committee's kick-off dance last week. Two words - open bar. Enough said...I was nice enough to not get sick in the car and manage to undress myself and climb into my own bed after the festivities. Self control people...self control!

I got a new car and am so excited. I have a hemi. It sounds loud and a little angry, but I love it! I have been driving an SUV for so long, it has been nice to get behind the wheel of a sedan and zip through traffic. Not to mention, it exudes a whole new level of sexiness....rrrroooaarrr!

I am going to try to post weekly - that is my promise to myself for the next month. That should take me into Spring Break - crap...where does the year go? So, to everyone - Happy Valentine's Day - go out and show some love!!

It was a pretty calm Christmas this year. Being so busy with work and such, I found it difficult to get into the swing of things. There were no Christmas cards sent out his year, I stuffed gifts into bags and wrapped only when absolutely necessary, I didn't even cook at the house. Here's a small update.

Christmas week started with a huge surprise. My SIL Susan and her significant other, Matt got engaged. We were fortunate enough to be onhand as Matt popped the question in front of his family and ours. Matt is a very nice guy and I couldn't be happier for them. The future is very bright for them and I hope that their life together brings them a lifetime of happiness!

Tuesday evening we went to dinner at the Daigle's. Nick's friend Alan and his wife Becca were in town for the holidays and getting to see them was a nice treat for us both. Alan's parents hosted a small dinner party at their home for his friends. Since Alan and Becca live in North Carolina (Alan is based there; he serves in the Marines) it was great to see them during this busy time!

Christmas eve brought us to Nana and Nene's house. We enjoyed a nice dinner together...big thanks to my mother-in-law for cooking all day. We opened gifts early and spent the evening just catching up.

Christmas Day started with us opening gifts with Em and Ethan at the house. Our children are very fortunate. They have family that loves them very much and they truly want for nothing. Ethan got his Elmo Live...a huge hit and he looked fabulous in his Batman pjs with cape and all. Emmeline got the boots and purse that she wanted and a ton of gift cards (the most direct route to a teenage girl's heart, BTW).

Later, we headed to my mom's for lunch and opened gifts from her. As the years pass, I have come to realize how important my mother is in my life and that of my children. She is always there to listen to my gripes..sometimes she listens, sometimes she gives me her two cents which I wholeheartedly listen to, but don't always follow. She has been there for me when my world was shattered by betrayal and she has been there when I regained my footing and stood atop the world. She is one of my most treasured gifts.

The afternoon brought us to M.D. Anderson Cancer Center. Nick's grandfather, G-Pa, is there participating in a clinical trial for Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. He has been there about 3 weeks and was unable to come home for the holidays...so we all went to him. We painted signs that spelled out "Merry Christmas G-Pa" and "We love you" and stood on the street below his 10th story hospital room. Later we were able to go to his room to visit and since you have to completely gown up head to toe, shoe covers, gloves, hair covers, they only allow a couple of people in his room at at time. G-pa looks like he is getting better and he says he feels good, but I cannot imagine his loneliness in that room. We are praying that all goes well and we look forward to celebrating Christmas with him in the next few weeks when he comes home!!

I want to take time to wish everyone that has been a part of our lives in 2008 a prosperous and happy New Year. May 2009 be filled with good health and many great memories! Love to you all!! XOXOXO